Ill Fortune
by Sonanoka21093
Summary: I worked hard to have this out by Valentines Day, so please enjoy one of my favorite crack pairing of the series! I don't think I've ever seen anyone else actually use this pairing, which saddens me somewhat. Anyways, please enjoy the work I put in as a last minute Valentines Day story, which I nearly made in a single day.


Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Zun, and the only things that belong to myself would be Usagi the mimic, and Moegi the japanese beetle. Everything else belongs to their rightful owner.

A/N: Well, this shall... be interesting.

Yu/N: Surly you can't be serious.

A/N: Why do you keep calling me shirley? And of course I'm serious! What's not to trust about me saying I'll write a oneshot in a single day?

Yuu/N: The fact that you have a panicked look on your face does not help.

A/N: Alright, first thing's first, let's bring out the upgrade!

Yuuka: Upgrade?

Yukari: My, this certainly _is _an upgrade.

A/N: That it is.

Yukari: Ahh, but yours still says the same as before.

A/N: That it does.

Yuuka: What in old hell are you two talking about...?

A/N: You can't see what we see, so you hardly will follow what I would try to explain it as.

Yuuka: ...I am used to seeing things others cannot, you realize.

A/N: And can you properly explain it to someone who doesn't?

Yuuka: ...Alright, you've got me there.

Yukari: Did you not say that you weren't going to write a Valentines Day fanfic?

A/N: Yes, I did say that in the chapter that hasn't been published yet! But that was before I remembered something...

Yukari: And that would be?

A/N: My favorite Parsee pairing!

Yukari: Ahh yes, that.

A/N: Indeed. Anyways, it's time that we get on with this crazy, crazy show!

Yuuka: Why in the world do you say that every time?

Yukari: She actually changed it this time.

Yuuka: Ohh?

Yukari: She added the fact that it will be crazy. Which it very well may be.

* * *

As I always did, I gently spun my way down the path, wandering where misfortune lie. Recently, I had felt an overpowering sense of misfortune coming from this cave that I was currently spinning my way deeper and deeper into. The way deeper into these caverns was confusing at best, but I wasn't traveling by sight. I was homing in on the misfortune, and so the way was perfectly clear to me. Not that I travel with my eyes open; I actually tend to keep them closed. It helps me home in on the misfortune I try so hard to gather.

And then I tripped over a rock, and began to tumble down a steep incline.

Such is the fate of the one who gathers all of the world's misfortune. Or, I suppose saying all of Gensoukyou's misfortune is more accurate. I wasn't around for before that. I was just another Hina doll. I stayed afloat for 100 years, never sinking by pure chance. I traveled for quite some time, gathering misfortune from those I passed. Then a became a tsukumogami, and decided that I would call myself a goddess, all in one day. ...From that point forward, people began to fear me for what I looked like. I was just a doll who spun across the waters gathering misfortune for some time on my little boat. It was as if a little whirlpool was under my boat, so fast did I spin.

But that is a tale for another time. I seemed to have arrived at the source of the misfortune, so I opened my eyes up, and stopped spinning, the misfortune within me settling and beginning to leak from me somewhat. I found myself at a large red bridge that looked to be made of wood. It was leaking a powerful aura of misfortune, which tainted the surrounding area with bad luck. However, it seemed to concentrate at a single point below the bridge.

Floating off of the ground, I made my way under the bridge, and was surprised to find a woman to be sleeping under the bridge. I was honestly expecting to find sealed away cursed object hidden here. I couldn't help but ask myself why there would be a woman sleeping under a bridge. In fact, why would anyone sleep above such a large drop into the river under it. It had to be a hundred foot drop, and while the water looked rather calm for a river, I couldn't imagine someone surviving a fall like that.

I decided to call out to her, asking, "May I ask why you live under this bridge?"

Snorting as her sleep was interrupted, the woman began to stir, and looked around with the most enchanting green eyes. They shone like emeralds, and seemed tired. I suppose such a things was reasonable; I _did _wake her up.

As soon as her eyes drifted over to my own, she bolted upright, her head impacting with the underside of the bridge with enough force to make a hollow sound as if striking a coconut with enough force to split it, and yet it not splitting.

However, she did happen to knock herself out, and she collapsed into a heap, before slipping over the side of her little resting place, and began to fall much like a rag doll, her limbs flailing about behind her.

And so I decided it prudent to save her, and I did just that, plucking her gently from the air before she even had fallen half of the way she would have to to reach the water below. Of course, this was after I dived towards her for a few seconds, my flying speed not quite enough to catch up to the girl. As such, I was forced to simply dive off of the side after her. Once I did in fact catch her, I slowly slowed my fall until we were not falling at all by the time we reached the water, which my feet landed on as if solid ground. Walking on water is hardly a complex thing to do for one with magic.

Hopping off of the surface of the water, I proceeded to make my way back up to the bridge, and landed just off to the side of the path leading to the bridge, sat down, and proceeded to rest her head on my lap. Hardly a comfortable place to lie down, but the vague softness of my thighs likely made a somewhat good pillow, at least in comparison to the hard wood that she was lying on before.

And so I stroked her hair, and waited for her to stir. She was very cute, even with that bump on her head. I held no illusions that it was _because _of said bump; that would be silly. I have never heard of someone becoming more attractive simply because of a head wound of some sort. Scars, on the other hand, were different. They can give the right person a more complete look, after all. A battle-scarred look, to be exact.

As I waited, I continued to have various strange thoughts about the girl, much like the above, but never once did I move. She needed her rest, and I was all too happy to let her rest. I was quite used to being stationary after all. A lifetime ago I was just an ordinary straw doll.

But I looked on the bright side, as I always tried to do, and simply thought of it as giving her a good place to rest. Or a good pillow, anyways.

After several hours had passed, she finally began to stir again. Her eyes scrunching up, and she let out a groan, before her eyes fluttered open. Her lashes were a rather attractive length, really. Not overly long, or short things. They were just the right length to compliment her eyes without distracting from them.

Looking up at me, our eyes locked, and I gave her a friendly wave.

Quickly skittering away from me, the very animated girl proceeded to fall right over the side of the cliff, and I heard some swearing as she tumbled.

About to dive off the side after her, I was surprised when the girl proceeded to float back up. I suppose it _would _be difficult to get under that bridge if one is unable to fly.

Growling, the bridge princess declared, "I'm so jealous of your hair! It's very pretty, and looks soft!"

Blushing some, I replied, "It's just a wig; I'm actually bald..."

Blinking, and losing a little steam, she went on the declare, "I'm so jealous of your skin! It looks very soft and supple!"

Blushing even more, I replied, "It really isn't; it is rough and dry like the straw that fills me."

Hesitating a moment to think of something else to be jealous of, the hashihime snapped her fingers, and shouted, "I love your breasts!"

Blinking, I hesitantly asked, "What...?"

Grinning, as if she had me now, the still floating bridge troll declared, "I'm so jealous of your breasts! They look so soft and squishy!"

Chuckling awkwardly at that declaration, I replied, "But they are simply stuffed with straw?"

Crying out in frustration, the girl shouted, "I'm so jealous of your outfit!"

Raising a brow, I answered, "But it's just made from scraps of cloth. It's not even soft. I think that your outfit looks nicer, really."

Going a bit green in the face now, the hashihime was out of her element. "I... You... do...?"

Nodding, I replied, "Yes. It looks very soft. Might I ask what it's made of?"

Pausing a moment to consider the question, the princess eventually mumbled, "...Silk."

Raising a brow, I leaned closer, asking, "What was that?"

Timidly, she answered, "Annoying spider silk..."

Blinking, I repeated, "Annoying spider silk?"

Nodding, she confirmed, "Annoying spider silk."

Thinking on that a moment, I commented, "My, that sounds luxurious." Smiling, I said, "I'm a bit jealous!"

As if that were some sort of trigger that I had just pulled, her face suddenly became very green.

Blinking again, I asked, "Are you alright? You look a bit sick..."

Silently, she nodded.

Smiling, I replied, "That's good. Where does one acquire this 'annoying spider silk'?"

Pointing up, the hashihime quietly replied, "Follow the webs."

Looking up, I found that the expansive cavern was topped off with hundreds, if not thousands of gigantic webs. Looking back to the princess, I replied, "Thank you. I will be sure to stop by there to get some fabric." Thinking a moment, I realized why I had come here, and slapped my forehead. "Before I forget, let me gather your misfortune."

Eyes widening, the girl asked, "What?"

Instead of answering her, I simply decided to show her, and I began to spin much like a top, my body becoming a blur, and a black-ish purple mist began to draw from my surroundings. My staying in the same spot without spinning for such a long time had unwittingly cursed the area with misfortune. But more than that, the girl who had more misfortune than even I had the curses and misfortune sucked from her body, the green tint to her skin lessening just a bit, and the glow of her eyes dimmed somewhat. When finally I was done, I slowed my spin to the point where it was like I was just slowly turning. Of course, when I began to face away from her I would quickly spin to face her again.

Looking about in wonder, the hashihime said, "...I don't feel... jealous?"

Smiling at her, I said, "Well, I should be going. Till next we meet."

With that said, I left the hashihime to go and meet with a certain annoying spider.

Floating up into the webbed sky of the massive cavern, I began to dodge webs, slip between the opening in the humungous webs, and eventually I arrived at a vertical cave in the ceiling of the cavern, which was filled with so much silk that the walls were white, which I assumed contained the annoying spider.

I would have knocked, but seeing as there was no door, I simply flew into the mouth of the cave, and headed up. After a few minutes of flight, somewhat amazed at all of the silk, I came to a larger section of the cave, which was also white with silk. "Amazing... I can't imagine how long it would take to make all of this..."

From behind me, a silky smooth voice replied, "It took decades to set all of this up."

Starting at the reply, I spun around to see... a woman? I had expected a spider... "Would you be the annoying spider?"

Snorting, the woman replied, "You've been talking to Parsee, haven't you."

Tilting my head, I asked, "Who?"

Grinning, what looked like a pair of black spikes hidden behind her teeth, the spider answered, "The hashihime that lives on the bridge?"

I stroked my chin in thought over that. So her name is Parsee... Looking back up at the spider, I replied, "Yes, I have."

Chuckling, the spider asked, "Did she attack you?"

Shaking my head, I answered, "No, she left me alone. Why, is she normally violent?"

Snorting, the spider replied, "You can say that. Anyways, what can I do you for?"

Frowning at hearing how violent the nice woman from before could be, I said, "She said that she got the cloth for her clothes from you."

Raising a brow, the spider replied, "I did more than just supply it."

Blinking, I asked, "Really?"

Sighing, the spider answered, "I made her clothes. Her old ones were falling apart."

Eyes widening, I exclaimed, "That's amazing!"

Snorting, the spider replied, "Not really. I'm just a tailor on the side."

How can't she think that that's amazing? "But you're a spider!"

Raising a brow, she replied, "Yyyyeah?"

Frowning, as she wasn't getting my point, I added, "A spider that turns her own cloth into clothes is amazing to me."

Deciding to just take the compliment, the spider blushed a bit. "Thank you...?"

Smiling, I replied, "You are quite welcome. So, what is the cost of this service?"

Blinking, the spider asked, "Huh?"

Sighing, I asked, "To have you put together clothing for me. What is the fee?"

Smiling, the spider replied, "Ohh, a large boar should do just fine."

Smiling right back at her, I said, "Alright. I can do that, I believe." With that said, I waved goodbye and was on my way.

I stopped by the bridge again on my way out, as there was little reason not to say goodbye to Parsee. I was surprised to find Parsee hopping up and down, flapping her arms. Slightly amused by the sight, I asked, "Are you alright, Parsee?" I couldn't help but smile at the cute display a bit.

Blinking, the hashihime asked, "How do you know my name?"

Smiling, I answered, "The annoying spider told me. To make it fair, my name is Kagiyama Hina. You may call me Hina, however."

Nodding, Parsee replied, "Mizuhashi Parsee."

Chuckling, I asked, "So, why were you jumping like that?"

Frowning, she answered, "I can't seem to fly anymore..."

Blinking, I asked, "Really? That's strange..."

Looking down, she offered, "I think you took my power away with my curse..."

Eyes widening, I said, "O-ohh! I am terribly sorry about that! Shall I return it?"

She was silent for a moment as she thought it over, weighing her options. "...Just a little. I'm tired of constantly having bad luck..."

Nodding, I began to spin in reverse, unleashing the curse back upon the poor girl. I only spun for one revolution, so there was only a bit unleashed. The purple-black mist invaded the girl's body through her eyes, mouth, nose, and ears, and before long she had begun to turn green again, and her green eyes began to glow once more, but neither were nearly as intense as before.

Panting a bit, Parsee said, "I'm so jealous that you can take away my curse at any time!"

Starting to think that jealousy was her thing, I chuckled. "That I can. Well, I suppose I should be going now. Farewell, Parsee." With that said, I began to spin in the proper direction again, absorbing misfortune as I went.

Watching me leave, the bridge princess shouted, "I'm so jealous of you needing to leave!"

I took that as a farewell.


End file.
